My sister-in-law is going to get married some time in December in Hawaii. I have been married to her brother for eight years now but I never had a wedding that I liked. I was married at home although it’s a regular ceremony officiated by a Bishop, we’ve got friends, food that we liked, and their family in attendance, albeit, mine was absent. I did not push for it to happen, I mean their attendance because I knew that my father will be super disappointed that his first born seemingly only deserved that. I was heartbroken for some time because I am someone who likes sharing things about me — it hurt when I did not have anything to share. I cannot even tell the world that I got married because the next thing they’d ask for sure is, “how did it go?” “can we see the photos?” you know, stuff that normal people expect in a normal wedding.
We’ve got photos, but I decided not to post them because it was at home and it was very humid and I was all sweaty. I did not have the proper sweat proof make-up on and for some reason, I decided to butcher my hair the night before the wedding, so all-in-all, I looked horrible. My husband though looked gorgeous as usual.
I did not blame my husband for the kind of wedding we had. His personality is very laid back. He would have given me a really nice wedding with all the preps and extravagance, had I asked for that. Yes, he would support it financially (had I asked), but I will be the one to get bothered with all the details. I was not in the mood for details back then. All I wanted was to get married since, we live in a place where boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are not allowed — togetherness are only for married people, hence the rush. There’s only one thing I kind of wished, I really did pray for others to have pushed him to care about that. I wished that the people who have influence in him could have told him how important that is — I mean, since I have no energy to push for it myself. I never really demanded anything for myself — from my husband, from work, from anyone and my family will NEVER demand that for sure. My father is either you give him what we deserve or you’re nothing to him — no room to negotiate.
I have long accepted that if I want it to happen, all the effort has to come from me because that is my husband’s personality. He will support me, if it were my idea. He wasn’t being thoughtless. Apparently, he isn’t just into things that would make girls crazy in love. I think he thought super highly of me that I won’t join the bandwagon of tackiness of proposal dramas and wedding frenzies. He certainly thought wrong — if that’s tacky — then I am tacky like that. I wonder why would he think I wasn’t like that. Could I have misled him somehow that I am an insensitive, heartless woman who despised anything romantic?
Now that we have been together for 12 years in total, I was able to joke about my desire to wear an appropriate wedding gown — not a dress from H&M in a pair of New Look slip-ons. He would know that it is a joke (I guess) because I am in no figure for a wedding gown right now. I would need some hardcore workout before that happens but I kind of told him that perhaps I can bring a wedding gown during his sister’s wedding and wear it right after theirs and have photo-ops with him in a tux as if we’ve gotten married! I told him how Instagram-worthy those photos could be! He laughed although I kind of sense that he is now getting a bit confused whether I am being serious or not. In those years of togetherness, perhaps he’s also finally come to accept that with me, all scenarios can be possible. I am going to hang onto that idea. Come to think of it, my sister-in-law is also generous so perhaps she would find humor in that and allow it to happen! Hahaha, whatever!