The Madness that Was

B2019.jpgI have been disliked a lot of times. It gets into my nerves of course, because why the hell wouldn’t you like me? I am everyone’s go-to friend! But then I realized that people love what’s convenient. I never turn down friendship, I am loyal to friends, I am an easy access if you want someone to listen or to genuinely care, or if you want to have someone fight your battles for you – I am there! Despite all these, they still get to dislike you. I know why, because I am not perfect!

One cannot badmouth a friend in front of me, which made me wonder, “Why are these people so comfortable bashing me in the presence of my friends?” I know because they tell me! I also ask my friends as to why they allow it. I feel resigned hearing their explanation because deep in me, I know why.

Upon realizing this, I have started streamlining my real friends list. I have sorted those whom I can count on without ifs and buts – those who care enough, those whom I’ve got certainty to not have hidden me on their timelines – you’d be surprised as to how few I’ve got left.

I’ve lost a friend who just decided to hide me from her timeline and not contact me whenever she had occasions. I knew she’s hidden me because there are so many wowable moments in my son’s life that she hasn’t reacted at all. I am certain that had she seen it, she will not be able to keep herself from reacting but since she hasn’t, I am sure that she’s hidden me. There wasn’t a time that we’ve actually interacted over Facebook. I was close to her to the extent of being one of those who threw her a bachelorette party, I was there when she’s given birth, but she suddenly erased me from her life. I know that I am not perfect, but who’s perfect? I heard that she’s become spiritual and has devoted her life to God. The only reason I’ve come to believe as to why she’s made herself scarce is that she probably felt that I couldn’t measure up. She probably felt that I am too evil for her and I bet that it’s based on my behavior from way back that she and I were hanging 24/7 without considering that birds of the same feather tend to flock together and she’s done far shameful things than me. Why was I being judged differently?  I have been actively serving the Lord and have since lived up to the social standard that is expected of me being that both my parents are pastors. I mean, let’s say that I do not have ministry, or that for real, I couldn’t measure up… my only question is that, how did you get the heart to judge? But with her, I guess I shouldn’t be shocked because the way she’s treated me required a lot of evil for you to achieve. I just hope that we won’t bump into each other on Christian seminars or something… I feel free from hatred, I am not a hater, but I don’t feel free from the hurt she’s inflicted on me, perhaps someday, in God’s time.

Then there’s this acquaintance who told my friend that she didn’t like me because my life is full of drama and selfies. I know that selfies are irritating but people should consider the timeline from which I am being judged. I was young and single 15 years ago. I was narcissistic and it was self-proclaimed. I grew up being so ugly that people laughed at me whenever I pass by.  They make fun of my scars, of my complexion that when I finally bloomed into a slightly prettier version of my old self, I felt overly obsessed with how I looked, hence the selfies. I feel that with the childhood that I’ve had, it is kind of expected and it’s more of the natural reaction. Had you known me from my childhood, you’d definitely feel that I deserve to have selfie moments! I can’t believe that I am being judged to a behavior that is just similar to being poor then splurging because they became rich all of a sudden. I have gotten over that stage and this blog has been up since 2005 and I hope people notice that there wasn’t any picture posted. I mean, imagine the restraint? Right? As for drama, I can’t help it! I am born dramatic!

I am a new person now but people base their dislike of me on how I was. In fact, I wasn’t even evil back then, I was just candid and very straightforward. I feel that even the way I’ve behaved shouldn’t be a problem because we were all in this together! I mean, I just don’t get it. You guys were with me every step of the way that you disliked me for.

I don’t really have a hold whether I am liked or not but I feel that it’s just so unfair.

So this New Year, I have decided to limit my opening up to others. Perhaps I’d use this blog to set myself free. But I will select carefully as to whom to entrust my heart with. I don’t want to be burned by people that I loved. Life has been unfair to me and I kind of want to reclaim it.

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