The Madness that Was

B2019.jpgI have been disliked a lot of times. It gets into my nerves of course, because why the hell wouldn’t you like me? I am everyone’s go-to friend! But then I realized that people love what’s convenient. I never turn down friendship, I am loyal to friends, I am an easy access if you want someone to listen or to genuinely care, or if you want to have someone fight your battles for you – I am there! Despite all these, they still get to dislike you. I know why, because I am not perfect!

One cannot badmouth a friend in front of me, which made me wonder, “Why are these people so comfortable bashing me in the presence of my friends?” I know because they tell me! I also ask my friends as to why they allow it. I feel resigned hearing their explanation because deep in me, I know why.

Upon realizing this, I have started streamlining my real friends list. I have sorted those whom I can count on without ifs and buts – those who care enough, those whom I’ve got certainty to not have hidden me on their timelines – you’d be surprised as to how few I’ve got left.

I’ve lost a friend who just decided to hide me from her timeline and not contact me whenever she had occasions. I knew she’s hidden me because there are so many wowable moments in my son’s life that she hasn’t reacted at all. I am certain that had she seen it, she will not be able to keep herself from reacting but since she hasn’t, I am sure that she’s hidden me. There wasn’t a time that we’ve actually interacted over Facebook. I was close to her to the extent of being one of those who threw her a bachelorette party, I was there when she’s given birth, but she suddenly erased me from her life. I know that I am not perfect, but who’s perfect? I heard that she’s become spiritual and has devoted her life to God. The only reason I’ve come to believe as to why she’s made herself scarce is that she probably felt that I couldn’t measure up. She probably felt that I am too evil for her and I bet that it’s based on my behavior from way back that she and I were hanging 24/7 without considering that birds of the same feather tend to flock together and she’s done far shameful things than me. Why was I being judged differently?  I have been actively serving the Lord and have since lived up to the social standard that is expected of me being that both my parents are pastors. I mean, let’s say that I do not have ministry, or that for real, I couldn’t measure up… my only question is that, how did you get the heart to judge? But with her, I guess I shouldn’t be shocked because the way she’s treated me required a lot of evil for you to achieve. I just hope that we won’t bump into each other on Christian seminars or something… I feel free from hatred, I am not a hater, but I don’t feel free from the hurt she’s inflicted on me, perhaps someday, in God’s time.

Then there’s this acquaintance who told my friend that she didn’t like me because my life is full of drama and selfies. I know that selfies are irritating but people should consider the timeline from which I am being judged. I was young and single 15 years ago. I was narcissistic and it was self-proclaimed. I grew up being so ugly that people laughed at me whenever I pass by.  They make fun of my scars, of my complexion that when I finally bloomed into a slightly prettier version of my old self, I felt overly obsessed with how I looked, hence the selfies. I feel that with the childhood that I’ve had, it is kind of expected and it’s more of the natural reaction. Had you known me from my childhood, you’d definitely feel that I deserve to have selfie moments! I can’t believe that I am being judged to a behavior that is just similar to being poor then splurging because they became rich all of a sudden. I have gotten over that stage and this blog has been up since 2005 and I hope people notice that there wasn’t any picture posted. I mean, imagine the restraint? Right? As for drama, I can’t help it! I am born dramatic!

I am a new person now but people base their dislike of me on how I was. In fact, I wasn’t even evil back then, I was just candid and very straightforward. I feel that even the way I’ve behaved shouldn’t be a problem because we were all in this together! I mean, I just don’t get it. You guys were with me every step of the way that you disliked me for.

I don’t really have a hold whether I am liked or not but I feel that it’s just so unfair.

So this New Year, I have decided to limit my opening up to others. Perhaps I’d use this blog to set myself free. But I will select carefully as to whom to entrust my heart with. I don’t want to be burned by people that I loved. Life has been unfair to me and I kind of want to reclaim it.

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The Lord is My Shepherd

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Grabbed from Google: UK.remonews.com

It’s like the gates of hell.

No one — neither the poor nor the rich deserve this kind of tragedy. Only God knows about His plans on these people/families who have lost their homes and valuables — some have lost their loved ones (may God bless their souls), only God knows. He may have allowed for this to happen but I am certain that He too will be their comforter and friend at this trying time. Know that in everything, there is a purpose, we just got to have faith and lift it all to Him. Let us all include them to our prayers.

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I have recently had a struggle and it was on my constant prayers. I was worried and sometimes, getting a little distraught about it, but I kept reminding myself that I shouldn’t be worrying for I have already prayed for it. Worry = you do not trust that God will solve it. With my constant self-reminders, thankfully, God has answered my prayers and has once again shown His faithfulness to me and my family. It is truly amazing how you can claim His promise whenever you need it.

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I am a little sad because my husband, out of the blue, told me that this year’s birthday was his lamest birthday ever. I don’t know what made him say that. We celebrated all together (he claims he wanted to celebrate just the 3 of us but we did) and I have given him awesome gifts,  I was extra kind to him all week-long (and I am always kind but given that it’s his bday, I have made it extra kind — the type of ignoring any fights that he is trying to create). I don’t know. He apologized for saying so but these are the statements that you cannot undo, no matter how you try.

I try to recollect from my life. Having said above that I was sad, it was merely the kind of sadness for him. Not trying be arrogant or something, but my life is quite joyful. I try to differentiate joyfulness and happiness all the time. Joy comes from the heart — it is what your heart exudes, it is something you have achieved.While happiness is a reaction to certain stimulus, you child’s smile makes you happy. Gifts make you happy! But these won’t make your life joyful.

I remember the time when I was not yet experiencing joy — it was not long ago, I wanted so many things that I thought to be the things that I need. I thought those would make me happy. I was never materialistic so most of them weren’t material things. Most of it were confirmation of being liked, sense of belonging, good times!  And then later, I came to a realization that my life is complete, that everything in addition to what I have are just garnishes, bonus — a complimentary ticket for being good (whenever I become good). I mean, I have come to the point that Psalm 23:1 has become a reality in my life (The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing). It is not because I have everything a person can want but it’s more of, God has satisfied me. I have nothing else to impart except for Matthew 6:33, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

Life is really good knowing that “hindi ka na nangangailangan” – you don’t need a thing to satisfy you because GOD already has. Everything is just an icing to the cake.

Writing an excerpt from my favorite song, “Pass It On”

I wish for you my friend
This happiness that I’ve found
You can depend on Him
It matters not where you’re bound
I’ll shout it from the mountain top
I want my world to know
The Lord of love has come to me
I want to pass it on
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I really do want to pass it on. I want everyone to experience the Joy of the Lord.

In the Chaos

I normally ride with my husband from work to home. Last night, I decided to do something different, I told my husband that I will be riding an uber instead and that we meet each other at home, implying that I was on my way too. But actually, I have some errands to do, I need some shopping for my kid and for ourselves too which is imperative given that it’s my son’s graduation next week and we got nothing to wear yet.

So yeah, I went to the mall with the intention of just grabbing everything I need and leave. I didn’t intend to stay like for an hour? Of course not. But then, as I was strolling down the aisle, I heard a faint “booooooom!” that came with really strong vibrations, like something so heavy fell on the ground.

Due to the fear of explosions, I thought, “was it another missile attack?” But no one at the mall seemed to care. No panic, nothing! No one was even gossiping about it. If it were in the Philippines, ay naku, one loud bang and there’d be chaos, stampede but people yesterday were nonchalant.

So I said to myself, “perhaps it was nothing”.  Then I received a call from an angry husband about my whereabouts since I did imply that I was on my way. He said he called me and I didn’t answer and it got him paranoid but I am certain that he called my office phone instead of my personal mobile number. Gosh.

I just blogged about that situation last 25th of March! Twisted coincidence. It did scare the hell out of me but I am not going to be afraid anymore… For I have a big God who is my refuge, who is my shield, my comforter and my strength.

I am with God!

“No weapon formed against me shall prosper!”